Depression and anxiety

They eat away at you.

Both make you feel not good enough. Anxiety... Not good in the little things. Depression... Not good at anything; bit especially not good at the big things.

Constant headaches because of the anxiety, depression and allergies. It's my crown of thorns. It makes me not able to think. Barely able to eat. Incredibly difficult to work and it's my hidden suffering... Not being able to think clearly. The one thing I've nearly always been good at. I gave it away.

Not meaningly of course but I did none the less.

I just want that back so I can see what I did wrong in the first place.

Okay I lied about not receiving confession that weekend, but really though God had forgiven me, I couldn't forgive myself because I hadn't gone to God. I hadn't been fully sorry. And that's where it's partly truth that I couldn't do reconciliation before I did.

I'm broken. I just want to be fixed. The other health issues are the scourging at the pillar. It's my public issue. Where everyone can see I'm broken. Lastly, my issue with the fire is the biggest cross of my life. I've been carrying it literally as long as I can remember...

...It was my first memory. Or should I say, THEY were my first memories.

The first memory that didn't involve abuse is of my twin brother standing at the glass sliding door to get out...

...and I feel like our whole family is there. Hitting their hands up against a glass door just trying to get out and live in the world.

And I'm standing the closest to the entrance, yet further from God than I have been for a long time.

I just want to be loved.

Truly loved for me; for who God made me to be.

Still, I am first and foremost God's daughter and always will be.

It's my only TRUE comfort.